Parenting comes with many roles. Just a few include to show unconditional love and care, provide food and shelter, guidance and protection. The child’s role is to grow and learn- and to be a kid! The parent’s role is to put the child’s needs in front of their own, but sometimes these roles can be reversed, and it becomes the child’s job to support their parent emotionally, financially or even physically. This is called parentification.
Unfortunately, this phenomenon is particularly common in the context of divorce, where family dynamics can become strained and boundaries blurred. Divorce is a challenging time for families, but it is critical to ensure that children are not burdened with adult responsibilities. When this burden is placed on the child it is developmentally inappropriate and damaging. Parentified children may suffer from a wide range of mental health issues and may struggle with emotional regulation and anger issues. Romantic relationships may be especially difficult for them, setting boundaries as well.
Parentification often occurs unintentionally during a divorce, as parents navigate their own emotional and logistical challenges. However, by being mindful of the potential impacts on children, parents can take proactive steps to maintain healthy roles. Here are some strategies to avoid parentification that we always share with our clients before and after a divorce:
- Avoid Adult Topics: Do not discuss inappropriate or adult matters, such as financial struggles, legal disputes, or grievances about the other parent, with your child.
- Communicate Directly: Handle all discussions with your ex-spouse directly rather than relying on your child to relay messages or act as a mediator.
- Seek Counseling: Work with a therapist or counselor to process your emotions and challenges instead of confiding in your child.
- Build a Support Network: Turn to friends, family, or support groups for help, ensuring you are not placing the burden of emotional caregiving on your child.
- Let Them Be Kids: Encourage play, hobbies, and peer interactions. Allow them the freedom to focus on their own lives and interests.
- Consistent Routine: Maintain a predictable schedule to provide a sense of security during the transitional period of divorce.
