Whether you’ve seen “she/her” in someone’s bio or read about misgendering online, the conversation about pronouns is everywhere these days. You may have been asked before to state which pronouns you use. While some might be confused by the question, others are thankful, because whether your pronouns are they/them, he/him, she/her, or anything else, we all deserve to be addressed properly. Today, we can use a variety of pronouns until we find the combination that feels right for our gender identity, instead of merely having to fit into two boxes, and the options are ever growing. As Montreal scholar and activist Florence Ashley writes, “people don’t always use the pronouns commonly associated with their gender identity, so it’s better not to assume! If you don’t know what pronouns a person uses, it’s best to ask. It’s a question of respect.”
p. 17, Bongiovanni and Jimerson, A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, (linked below)
Pronouns are words that substitute nouns, and personal pronouns are a part of speech that represent a person or a group of people. You cannot assume someone’s pronouns, regardless of their name or appearance. Cisgender people – those whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth – need to be especially understanding with respect to the importance of pronouns. Note that gender and sex are not the same thing. Sex is commonly understood as biological, and gender is not, although even this distinction can be blurry.
One way to be respectful to different gender identities is to work on replacing gendered pronouns with gender-neutral ones when referring to someone who has not stated their pronouns. For example, if your child invites a friend over and tells you their name is Jordan, you could respond with “I’m excited to meet them”. By using “them,” you did not assume your child’s friend’s gender and you showed your child an example of compassionate language choices.
They/them are commonly used gender-neutral pronouns, however there are several others. In fact, neopronouns (new pronouns), while they may seem rare, are used by some, and include ze/hir (“it is hir hat”) or xe/xem (“I went to the store with xem”). In 2018, the Oxford English Dictionary added “ze” as a neopronoun and in 2019 “hir” and “zir” were added. However, gender-neutral pronouns as a concept are not new, with “thon,” derived from “that one,” dating back to 1858. Note that this article does not provide an exhaustive list of pronouns.
Some people may mix pronouns that we think of as being gender-neutral with those that we think of as being traditionally gendered such as “they/she.” There are many creative ways for people to feel affirmed in their gender identity and even if we don’t always understand, the important thing is to be respectful and open. Moreover, some people do not identify with personal pronouns at all and would prefer if we simply used their names.
While there are many reasons why a person chooses to use gender-neutral pronouns, no one ever owes an explanation. Respecting someone’s pronouns is a form of human decency. In fact, misgendering can be an extremely triggering and hurtful experience for people of all genders. Using the wrong pronouns for someone can send the message that you do not care about them or who they are, or that their identity is unimportant or invisible.
So, how do we make sure to respect other’s pronouns? The best way – especially if you are cisgender – is to get in the habit of introducing yourself with your pronouns anytime you are introducing yourself when you meet new people, and asking the same of others, even if you think you already know their answers. It’s as simple as “Hi, my name is Chris, my pronouns are he/him, I’m a lawyer at Spunt & Carin. What’s your name and pronouns and what do you do?” Don’t only ask people what their pronouns are when you think they look non-binary (which of course you cannot determine from looking at someone). Make a point of asking everyone and normalizing it.
We all make mistakes, and misgendering is likely inevitable. If it happens, try not to centre yourself in your apology. Instead, simply correct yourself, say sorry, and do not make a big deal out of it. Excessively apologizing is not going to help the situation. The more you practice using gender-neutral language, the fewer mistakes you will make.
Rather than addressing people by saying “Hey guys” or “Hey ladies”, you can say “Hey everyone” or “Hey folks”. In professional settings, people often say, “Hello Sir” and “Hello Ma’am”. Instead, you can simply say “Hello”. To advocate for inclusivity in your workplace, you should ask people what their pronouns are, ensure there are gender-neutral bathrooms, and kindly correct others when they make mistakes.
Coming out as non-binary or genderqueer can be difficult and scary. Implementing gender-neutral language in your vocabulary is one way to make people more comfortable.
Resources:
A graphic novel by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson depicts a conversation between a non-binary and cisgender person. They explain what pronouns are and how to use them correctly. It is a great resource for learning about gender neutral language and different pronouns: A Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson
